Monday, December 8, 2008

Marriage Blues

No, I'm not married. But someone got married this weekend.
A brother in Mumbai, and another couple tied the knot in Hyderabad.

I wasn't supposed to attend the wedding in Hyderabad. I had my tickets for Mumbai ready and my packing was done. I had planned a lot of time with old friends. But I got sick. You know, the kind of diarrhea that doesn't get better? After 3 days I was barely able to focus at work. So I left early and went to the doctor and got the pills. And had to cancel my trip.
I spent most of Saturday in bed.
On Sunday, I was feeling a bit better. There was a wedding right after the church service, and I dressed for the occasion. I was the only man with a traditional Indian dress... wow!
But the true wow was with the sisters! They were proud of their roots, and you could see so many colourful and beautiful sarees! Seriously, that much colour can hurt a man's vision for a few days at least...
Seriously, the more I am in India, the more I think that folks in the West have no idea what beauty is.
Back on topic, I did not know any of the two who got married... I had to ask some questions to the bridesmaid and the groomsmen in order to know a bit about them.
Of course I was happy for them. But a more general kind of happy. Like being happy that there are no more people getting killed in Mumbai... yes its a positive feeling, but its not an actively positive one, and its independent of joy.
And, once again, my heart bled, knowing that my turn hasn't come yet. It could've come in the past, and there were opportunities in the church, but none of those looked like the woman of God who would help me build up my brothers and sisters in the faith.
But also, God's daughter deserve the best, and I'm on catching-up mode.
So I wait, I pray, and I work on my character. And the more I fix things, the more I see things to be fixed. And every time I thought I was getting close, I realize that there is another major issue that needs fixing.
I don't give up, but I joylessly move forward. I'm doing what is right, and what is best (in my interest, in my future wife's interest, and in God's Kingdom's best interest), and I stomach the pain of changing.
I have a bit of peace knowing that Jesus didn't always have his emotional needs met. Why do I say that? John the Baptist was beheaded, and He couldn't get much time to mourn (Mt 14), and he was more or less left to Himself in Gethsemane (Mt 26). It is hard for me to let go though... and somehow find peace with the idea that some things I want may or may not happen.
But its the only way forward. It is the victory of surrender, and I will claim it.

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