Sunday, May 15, 2005

Under barrage fire

In the first world war, the military perfected the barrage fire... bombarding an area like there's no tomorrow, resulting in a no-man's-land.
I felt that way this week... starting a new job and a course, while things were left standing on other issues.

So I've put aside consulting and started research. The first bad news is that I won't be paid for 6-8 weeks, thanks to the wonderful administration and the overall useless complication that is required for a research assitantship.
Combined with the fact that payment from clients has not been timely these days, and I've got myself a sudden scare about finances... it takes very little to make me panic!
I've worked hard all week on our research, since we have an objective to publish by the end of the month. This is a crazy objective! I've been staying late at work every day, except for the mid-week.
I'm still squeezing in the time to start this course on Ethics applied to Engineering, for which I'll have to write a personal paper, as well as a team paper. The topic of the former is mine to choose, the latter will be about water privatization. I'm still trying to make the Concordia bureaucracy to move and approve the equivalency, but its inertia is hard to match!
Keeping up with my tradition, I lead a bible talk on campus, but with 4 guests... I never saw so many! I feel I'm beyond my ability to do anything, burdened by too many things to do, but God is telling me that I'm entrusted to share his Word with so many.
I'm still coughing, still sneezing... I feel like the antibiotics should've done their work by now... I'm holding to faith that it'll work.
In general, I feel out of my strength... I ran on monday for a minute before feeling lightheaded. I feel like not caring, like surviving. The fact is, when challenged with stress, I tend to pick the World, instead of picking God. I've decided to come in later at work so that I can give myself a good time with God in the morning.
I feel like studying in more depth about salvation, especially about the salvation of the ignorant. There was some preaching about it a few weeks ago, but I want to dig in Scripture to have clearer and deeper conviction.
I personally feel that God is putting me through a challenge of trust... will I trust Him to put aside the great line of work and give all my time for ministry? Will I trust Him that I'll have the money I need to survive? Will I make the micro-choices, every minute of my life, that makes a difference, that makes my life godly? Will I finally start to get the point about pointless worry?
I'm under the refiner's fire. I know I'll be glad.
When running a marathon, it is easy to feel like there is no point in running. All I know is that there's a point in keeping to run forward, so I keep on running. It'll make sense in the end.
The church was welcoming the McKean's on Friday and Saturday. I was only at Saturday's teaching. In short, I feel nothing reprehensible in anything that Kip taught the men. What deeply touched me is when he talked about David who hid in a cave... with every man joining in one after another. Out of these men came out the "Mighty Men". My personnal summary: out of those who felt left behind, who felt like loosers, were transformed by God into the strongests warriors of their time.
When coming in, that saturday, I came in seeking little teaching and a lot of talking with one of my discipling partners. I felt crushed by a tension with a sister, the financial worries, and the work. I left alleviated and happier. I spent the whole afternoon with a brother, and then joined my uncle and his daughter in the evening. I showed him pictures of Switzerland.
My biggest worries were solved by the end of the day: I negociated something to ensure some cashflow that was both satisfacory and biblical, and I was reconciled with this sister.
God is making it clearer and clearer how badly I need to let go and leave things in His hands. I'm not getting it, and not putting it in practice. I'm definitely praying for that to happen.
This sunday, we had service with very good preaching on giving and on evangelization, and then I got home to talk on the phone with two sisters. One of them is in France, kind of lonely, and I was very happy to talk to her, listen to her, and so on. I love her very much! She's really the sister the closest to me, and spending time with her on the phone is always good. We had a lot of issues recently meeting up on the phone, which caused a lot of tension, and we worked through it and things are all back to their loving state.
As I am writing this blog, I'm watching a teather play/movie, Les Guerriers, with Dan Bigras and Patrick Huard. Two ad executives lock themselves in for 10 days to find a great creative idea for an advertising for the army. The social commentary is... WOW!
It felt good giving myself time!

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